This job has been a blessing.....

Today is Mother's Day 2014.  I have just finished enjoying a wonderful Skype phone-call with my oldest son, Spencer, who is serving an LDS mission in the Cordoba, Argentina Misson...... which has caused me to reflect on so many things.  He wanted to bear his testimony in Spanish to us and the spirit was so strong while he was sharing his thoughts...... and it has helped me to feel that somehow, somewhere I may have done some good as a mother to my son.  I am not perfect, nor claim to be, but to see him thriving in the service of our Lord was payment enough.  I have tried so hard and prayed continually that my boys would feel what I feel for the gospel..... and soooooo much has happened to me in the short-time I have been in Hyrum, Utah and since Spencer has left on his mission.  I have been looking for the promised blessings of being a "missionary Mom" that everyone talks about, and yet my heart hurts at this time.  I have very mixed emotions about what is to take place soon.........

I am writing this as my very first post......announcing that I am moving from Hyrum, Ut to Rochester, Minnesota by the end of this summer, late Aug 2014.  I must first say though..... this wasn't my plan.  Once again, "my plans" have changed, and I am now saying, "What is your plan for me, Lord, because what has happened to me has changed everything..... and this wasn't in my plans."

I moved to Hyrum, Ut only the Saturday BEFORE school started in Aug 2012.  I was hired to be a Science teacher at Thomas Edison Charter School (TECS) in Nibley, Ut.  I got my Master's in Education the previous Spring (May 2012) and was really excited about this job!  I moved my family to Cache Valley in hopes of a new and exciting experience...... little did I know it would be short-lived but prove to be very memorable.  I have changed in ways I never knew I would change.....  this job has been an absolute blessing to me and I will never forget this experience.  I am mostly sad because it has come to an end when I didn't expect it to end......

I was served papers, at school no less, on 8 Feb 2013, the very week of the Science Fair at the school.  My former wished to "reverse custody" for my two sons who were living with me at the time.  As a first-year, teacher, I was already stressed about the Science Fair and wanted so badly for it to come off well and..... then the stress of the upcoming lawsuit sent me on an emotional roller-coaster as a mother and has most recently shown its effects on my physical well-being too.  My middle son, Tanner, age 17, unexpectedly decided to stay in Gunnison and not come back to school in Fall 2013..... only three days after I had a very serious accident on my horse.

I went down a 60 ft. Wellsville mountainside on my horse, TyAnn during a ride with the Hyrum Saddle Club and it truly was a miracle that both she and I came out of the ravine without any broken bones.  We were both cut-up and in shock..... and I found that I had a pretty severe concussion later...... but the miracle was, that it was only I who went down the mountain and not ALL 12 of the riders since the trail was not safe for the horses to begin with.  This accident was on a Saturday, and I was to pick up the boys in Salt Lake the next day, Sunday, but I couldn't even turn my head to drive and both of my eyes were purple and swollen and my head hurt something fierce...... so one of my dear colleagues from school, Megan Holm, offered to at first, drive with me to Salt Lake so I wouldn't be alone, and then when she met me she insisted that she be the driver for me.  It was the kindest thing for her to do.  I have always been grateful for good friends, and once again, Father in Heaven blessed me with some amazing friends during my stay here in Cache Valley.

Little did I know that when we made it to the "meeting place" only Benjamin was there to come back with me and Tanner was no where to be found.  Apparently, he told his father that he wasn't going to get in the car to come back at all and then ran off and disappeared.  I told his father to call the police to help find him and get him home.  Then, while we were driving home, and my mind was reeling with concern for Tanner and my body was aching from my accident, I got a phone call from the Gunnison Sheriff's office telling me that they had found Tanner and that his father had said that "I" wanted Tanner to be taken to a detention center and for them to hold him there.  That couldn't have been farther from the truth!  I explained that I was concerned he had run away and wanted him to be found, but that he should go to his father's and that we would handle it from there.  Tanner then got on the phone and told me pointedly that he wanted to stay in Gunnison with his friends and that he didn't want to go to school in Hyrum.  He said it was nothing "against me" but that he wanted his friends.   I reluctantly, told his father to go ahead and register Tanner for school in Gunnison the next day, Monday.  I cried and cried.  I felt so bad at how all of this was playing out.  I was "forced" once again to make a decision concerning Tanner.  I knew that even if I had insisted on making him come back to Hyrum, he probably would have made all of us miserable and he would have been a handful, so I let him go.  His father didn't waste a day in filing for temporary custody, which nearly deleted my incoming child support.  Selfishly, I cried, knowing I would miss being a part of Tanner's senior activities and his last year of High School.

I then had to turn my focus on Benjamin and was determined to make this year very special for him since he would be with me at school for his 9th grade (Freshman year of High School).

I couldn't lay low for too long the next day, Monday.  It was to be the ONLY day I had to prep for the first day of school.  My dear friend, Geneva Crookston, came and took Benjamin that afternoon and went and ran all kinds of shopping errands for me, which allowed me to rest, and then I went and only spent two hours to prep for school later that night.  Miracle of all miracles, I then taught the first-day of school the next day, Tuesday......... and although a few serious headaches came along during those first few weeks, I survived and did the best job that I could.  I know I was blessed to have the job and I know that Heaven would bless me to teach it to the best of my ability........ and I did. :)

That left the remainder of the year to be spent with my youngest son, Benjamin, all the while the lawsuit was still pending.  Never knowing how much longer I would be able to have him, I did my best to let him know how important I thought his education at TECS was and how blessed he was to be here with me.  The students at TECS in his 9th grade class are truly amazing students and I marveled while watching them work together and create some amazing friendships, which I pray will continue beyond this year.  Most of all, I felt very fortunate that I was able to see Benjamin on a daily basis as we went to school together and I got to see him interact with his friends and do some very special things during his 9th grade year.  I have no regrets in fighting to keep him in my home.

All the while, my sweet husband, Jeff, had been flying every two weeks back and forth from Minnesota to be here with me and then travel back for work in MN........... and we have been doing so for the past two years straight.  These have been the first two years of our marriage, in fact!!!  This allowed me to stay in the state and be close enough for the boys to see their father who still lived in Gunnison, Ut.  I gave the boys (Tanner and Benjamin) all that I had and could....... I changed careers and went back to school in order to get a better paying job, I moved to Cache Valley to get a better paying job, I helped get them to Gunnison once a month to spend a weekend with their father, I bought new tires and new windshield on our van so it could be driven by the boys, I even helped my older son to get a job down the street from our home.....But apparently, it wasn't what they wanted.

The stress of it all, along with the daily verbal abuse and disrespect that I was getting from my youngest son, took a toll on my physical health.... so much so, that by late October 2013, I felt very sick and couldn't function a full-day without utterly being exhausted by day's end.  After seeing a local Dr. and after having several blood tests and changes in medications, the answers didn't come and I felt myself becoming extremely sick and faint.  Upon the recommendation of my dear friend, Geneva, I went to a Homeopathic Dr. in Pocatello, Id (2 hours away) and felt immediate hope and immediate results after my very first visit, even though I knew it would take a while for me to heal.  I learned that my hormones were way off the charts, along with my Pituitary Gland over-working and causing me horrific headaches, and most importantly that my Lymphatic System (my Immune System) had shut-down and was taxing my kidney.  I only have one kidney.  I am a survivor of Kidney Cancer 15 years previously and had my kidney removed in January 1999, to save my life.  I learned that my system was shutting down and that my kidney was only working at 30%.  No wonder I felt so horrible physically.

 I have now traveled to Pocatello to the "West Clinic"  for 10 visits and will finish my therapy by the end of this month.  I have felt amazingly well.  I still battle stomach ulcers (nothing new there) but feel so much better than I did before.  I will always be grateful for good health in my life.  I am also grateful for good Doctors....... because I am of the opinion that they are far and few between.

I officially lost custody of Benjamin in court in late April 2014, one year after I was served papers for this lawsuit.  After all I went through (tons of paperwork, phone-calls, letters of recommendation, background checks, and four months of visiting with a Custody Evaluator in Ogden, Ut ...... of which I WAS COURT ORDERED TO PAY $3500 UP-FRONT FOR--- WHICH WAS AN ABSOLUTE INJUSTICE, SINCE I WASN'T EVEN THE ONE WHO BROUGHT THIS LAWSUIT TO THE TABLE!!! and travel-time for mediation in the Manti courthouse)...... it was still determined that the recommendation was for Benjamin to live with his father in Gunnison.  This meant he would return to live with him when the school-year ended and he would attend school in the Fall in Gunnison.  I would then be court-ordered to pay child support.  Once again, I then had some serious decisions to make.....

I couldn't pay for child support on the teacher's salary that I currently made AND pay for rent in our home in Hyrum AND keep up Jeff's home in Minnesota AND have Jeff continue to fly back and forth and pay for airfare every two weeks........ the attorney's fees alone have ruined me financially.  I am also still paying on my school loans that I acquired for my Master's Degree, which I pursued wholeheartedly just to change careers and take care of my teenage sons.  So, it looked like Jeff and I now had the opportunity to pool our finances together and that I would go and work in Minnesota and we could live under one roof and try to get back on our feet financially and emotionally...........and as much as I was excited to know I would be with Jeff and not be apart (because having your husband fly-out every two weeks and be gone for two weeks was NOT FUN AT ALL!  Especially since I finally found someone who WANTED to be with me! :) )......it also meant that I would have to leave the job that had been an answer to prayer in the very beginning.

So, with mixed emotions, I am trying to look ahead to my plans for living with Jeff in Minnesota and living without seeing my son Benjamin on a daily basis, as I have for so long now........  I am nervous about finding work there, but I pray daily that I will find something that will allow me to help with our financial burden.  Jeff has promised me he will do his best to make me happy in MN.  I will be happy just being with someone who wants to be with me. :)

I feel like the mother of the child at Solomon's feet who begged him to NOT cut the babe in half and to spare the child's life and allow the child to go with the other mother just to save him.  I have now turned my son over to the Lord's keeping, because I can no longer do anything for him.  I have done all I can do for now.  He has made some serious choices and the consequences will follow.

Some have told me, "You gave it a good fight."  But then, I was the mother who felt I was done an injustice by the lawsuit which didn't have any grounds of proof that I was not a good enough mother to these boys.  The entire thing was not right.  And in a court of law, the judgment was ruled against me, the mother, and once again, I am the one "picking-up" the pieces and praying I will make it through to another day.  Was I supposed to just let it happen?  My heart has been broken before by my former spouse years previously, but not like it has been broken most recently by my boys.  I was abandoned by my former spouse, but never dreamed my boys would do the same.  They will never fully appreciate the sacrifices I made for them, but that's ok with me.  I did it all because they have ALWAYS been my focus and I am their mother........ and I love them.

I hope to continue to stay in touch with the wonderful students and colleagues and friends in Hyrum that I have made during my stay in Cache Valley.  I am going to REALLY miss them as they have become "family" for me while I have been here.  Courtney Edwards, English teacher, who moved away to Seattle, Washington, after my first year of teaching...... I already miss dearly.  She would invite me to join her at the gym for some running/talk therapy and I will always think of her when I eat at Chick-Fil-A because of how kind she was in taking me there for dinner the night I was served papers at school and was at my lowest point.  She too lived through a divorce as a teenager and shared with me her story and was very kind in listening to my concerns and hurts.  She now is a mother of a healthy baby boy and is on her own parenting journey.....  Jo Merchant listened to me on many, many occasions and allowed me to cry on her shoulder at school.  She coached me as an experienced teacher would a pupil and helped me find my way during my first-year of teaching.  Megan Holm was a great support and confidant all year.  Her wit was my therapy and she counseled me through some very tough times.  Her wisdom is beyond her years. :) Her idea of a "double-fisted ice cream cone therapy" will never be forgotten.  Maree Berry, Math teacher, helped me as an experienced mother would in giving me advice on how best to get through some tough things with my boys and was a HUGE help to me when Benjamin had his foot-surgery.  I will never forget how kind she was towards me when I felt I was at my lowest point.  I grew very close to Maree as I came to know her children very well.  I will dearly miss all the hikes in the canyons we had as "teachers" after school when the weather improved and it became something I would look forward to each week.  Hiking was the best therapy in the world for me during my stay in Cache Valley and she will never know how much it meant to me when she would include me on those hikes.  I can't believe how close I had become with Jo, and Megan, and Maree.  I was so blessed to have had them in my life during this time.  I had the opportunity to audition for a few of Jon Rash's community shows, but never did on account I felt too stressed with work and with the way things were at home with my boys.  Perhaps doing a musical would have been therapeutic for me, but I didn't want to commit to something when my emotions were on edge and I was worried I would break down on stage at any given moment!  I did have the opportunity to sing the duet, "For Good", from the musical "Wicked", most recently with Jon and it has proven to be one of my happiest memories.  The lyrics were meant for our retiring and beloved Principal, Eldon Budge, but ironically, they seemed to represent my own swan-song and perhaps my way of saying "good-bye" to all of my dear friends and colleagues at school.  I will miss my friend Jon deeply as I felt we had so much in common.  He truly knew how to make me laugh right when I needed to.  I will miss sitting by him at lunch and teasing him about how he ate his lunch so meticulously!  I will miss seeing him on a daily basis.  What a kind and talented person you are, Jon!  I was so honored to know you.   Principal Budge cried when I told him of my plans for the move to Minnesota.  I thanked him for hiring me and giving me a chance to teach Science.  He made me cry when he told me that my boys were lucky to have me as their mother.    James Porter, History/Geography teacher, spent some considerable time listening to me and then telling me of his own personal story of his account  of living through a bitter divorce as a young boy and helping me to see it through my boys' eyes.  His kind words will never be forgotten. He even took the time to take Benjamin out on a "paint-ball" hunt with a club of his as a reward for Benjamin when he was doing well in school at the time.  Angela Barton, Math teacher, asked me regularly how I was doing and showed some real concern for Benjamin when he wasn't at his best in her course but used kind words of encouragement towards Benjamin and helped him to find his potential in her class.  Rob Davis, Art teacher,  made me laugh on days when I needed it most and gave me the biggest hug when he found out I was leaving.  His wife Kris shared some personal advice with me and helped me to think through some things and helped me to realize the many blessings I already had in my life.  Her perspective aided me in keeping a positive outlook.  Derek Sharp, Art teacher, had his own full-plate of stresses in his life, and yet was such a good friend towards me and was always SO willing to help me when I needed it.  He sat next to me during our "teacher-training" days and started his first year teaching alongside me.  He came to me personally to make sure it wasn't a rumor that I was moving and hugged me while fighting his tears telling me of his wish that I didn't have to go.   Molly Dursteller, BEST substitute teacher and mother of boys, was a true friend to me during my entire stay.  I tearfully wish I could have done more with her.  More baking lessons, more hiking time, more parenting discussions, more deep gospel-doctrinal talks........... just more of everything.  Her knowledge of the gospel allowed her to help me keep a Christ-like perspective through it all.  I will miss her dearly.  I ALWAYS greeted her with a hearty, "Hi FRIEND!" because I truly cherished her friendship.  I will never forget what Tanya Murray did for me.  She knew of my weekly visits to Pocatello to the doctor and how it always left me so tired when I got back home...... that on one occasion, she went out of her way to prepare a meal for me so all I had to do was put it in the oven when I got home and it would be ready for my family.  She was always so kind and friendly to me.  I loved her positive spirit and found her smile to be contagious.  She shared with me some very good counsel about her relationship with her daughter who at one time "wrote her off as a mother" and who now can't get through the day without contacting her and telling her how much she appreciates her as her mother.  I will miss her and feel bad I didn't have more time to get to know her better.

I told each of my classes that I wouldn't be back next year.  The 9th graders weren't affected too greatly since they are moving on to other High Schools in the valley anyway, but I wanted them to know how honored I was to have been their teacher and I thanked them for being such good friends towards my son, Benjamin and also towards me and that I would miss them.  My 7th graders, on the other hand, were very upset because so many of them had been planning on being in my 8th grade course next year.  I assured them they would be fine with whomever they hire and I told them to go "easy" on their new teacher, but that I would miss them as well.  Several of them have been sooooooo sweet ever since.  I have been given all kinds of notes and gifts the last little while. My 6th hour of 7th graders even gave me a "surprise" party with 25 PINK balloons and a pink frosted cupcake and told me that they loved me as their teacher!  :) (They found out that I love the color pink!)

So, here I go........ three more weeks of school left.  My last 9th grade course to be taught and my last 7th grade course to be taught.........  What a journey it has been to not only become a teacher.........but to have become a SCIENCE teacher!  I have truly loved my job, and my job has helped me to be a better person than I was before.  I have loved teaching. :)  Who knows what job will follow next?  I am praying that another experience will come my way that will bless my life as this one has.......